Author: Charlene Douglas

So, you come home from a long, hard day at work. Your boss has annoyed you and that sale you worked so hard to secure has fallen through. You find yourself daydreaming about going home, taking off your work clothes and relaxing into something more comfortable, watching a good movie, drinking the wine that has been chilling in the fridge for the past few days and switching off.

Your partner though has other plans. The movie that you cuddle up to watch, is interrupted by your partner’s hands massaging your leg. You hope that it goes no further than that, as you want to watch the movie and simply relax. You notice that your partner is becoming more sexually aroused. Sound familiar?

Recent research found that 34% of women and 15% of men reported a lack of interest in sex for at least 3 months.

So, what can be done about mismatched libidos? It isn’t always the men who have the higher sex drive, I hasten to add.

It’s surely inevitable that one partner will want sex more, at a time when the other partner may not be up for it. On occasions the ‘horny’ partner may have to simply look for other agreed ways to satisfy their sexual appetite.

But what if you’re the partner who doesn’t really want or need sex that often. It’s important that together you agree the role that sex will play in your relationship. Could you have ‘lazy sex’ every now and again? This involves either having sex ‘spooning’ where you simply wriggle your bottom around and hold your partner close to you, or could you perform oral sex on them, in order that they can experience sexual pleasure and perhaps have an orgasm.

If you would like to ‘get in the mood’, have a think about what turns you on. Now, I’m not talking about when they touch your genitals or rip off your clothes. I’m talking about when you’re not in a sexy mood, what are the steps that take you to that sexy place? Cooking a meal together, laughing about something that’s happened at work, playing a game like ‘Twister’ together, a Sex Quiz game or perhaps it’s listening and dancing to some of your favourite tunes. If the agreement in your relationship is, that sex will play an important role in your relationship, this will need to be a joint effort.

Does sex have to always be penetrative sex? Could you just enjoy oral sex giving or receiving? Would your partner be okay with this? How about talking to each other about what you do and don’t like about sex. Not such an easy conversation to have, but it may just help to build the sex that meets both of your needs.

Do remember though that some antidepressants, as well as medication for diabetes, heart disease and high cholesterol may impact sexual desire, so don’t forget to check this out with your GP first.

Is there any unresolved anger or resentment that may be getting in the way of you feeling close and wanting to have sex with your partner?

Deep down do you feel that sex is dirty, or are you turned off by your partner’s eagerness for it?

You may have to do some real soul-searching to get to the root cause of this issue in your relationship.

For some just the thought of the word ‘masturbation’ makes their stomach turn. It seems more acceptable when a teenage boy chooses to masturbate, but unheard of that a teenage girl may also have the same desire. So why is there so much shame around this?  – Does religion, culture, society etc, have a part to play? Maybe it has something to do with the way many of us were taught about sex.

I have spoken to many men who say that they often masturbate in the toilet, in secret, without their partner knowing. Sometimes they masturbate to images that they find sexually pleasing, but feel too ashamed to share with their partner. This can have an affect on their relationship, if they are turned on by images on a screen and not able to include their partner in this fantasy.

Have a read of the article I featured in, in the Metro Online about masturbation. What are your thoughts?

Why do people punish themselves for masturbating?

1)   Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Mam or Happily-Ever-After?

Be clear about your intentions online. If you are seeking a casual encounter, say it! There are more than enough people interested in the same thing. Knowing that you only want a casual relationship, whilst saying that you are ‘very much interested in finding a soulmate’ only leads to hurt and disappointment. Think about the feelings of others.

2) Don’t Create Disappointments!

  
Hmmm…now can one picture really show your potential mate what you look like? Maybe there is one picture that you know always attracts the hottest people, but give your potential mate the opportunity to see you at different events, to get a real idea of your personality. A clear picture of your face, as well as a full-sized picture, helps people to decide if you are the type of man they would like to get to know a little bit more. You do yourself no favours, if you display pictures that show you 5 years younger, when you had a six-pack. When you go on a date, you want to feel at peace knowing they know exactly what you look like – and that you are the height and age that you told them 🙂

3)  I’m Sure You Told Me Your Name Was…?

It’s expected that you (and your date) will have been getting to know other people. Do make sure though, that you get your date’s name right. Nothing worse than calling Sally, Rachael or Bob, Steven.

With 1 in 5 relationships in the UK starting online, how can
you make sure that you have the best possible chance of finding love? Well,
take a look at my top tips for women seeking love.

1)  Live Your Best Life!

    
Make sure that you are ‘living your best life’.

How will your potential mate know how you expect to be treated, when you are not treating yourself in this way? 

Create a profile that shows the places you’ve visited, or you taking part in an interesting hobby. A clear picture with a big smile, as well as full length pictures help your potential mate to be sure of what you really look like. Enjoy being in your own company, before inviting someone else to join you. If you don’t enjoy being with you, why would someone else? – make sure your love for yourself and for life comes across in your pictures and profile. Don’t wait for Romeo/Juliet to be zapped directly to your living room – create the life you desire!

2) Be Bold!

    
Send your potential mate a message first. “No Way!” I hear you shriek!  Well, what do you have to lose? Just saying ‘Hi, how you doing? Could really break the ice. That may be enough for them to actively engage in conversation with you. Don’t wait for them to message you first – make yourself visible.  Everyone needs a sign, right?  Just think how excited YOU feel, when you receive a message from a lovely guy/girl.

3) Turn up the volume!

Don’t waste your time. Your time is precious! Your gut instinct is rarely wrong and is often talking to you much louder than you realise. It all depends on just how low you’ve turn the volume on the internal voice that is guiding you. Women can sometimes spend more time convincing themselves that someone is the ‘one’, instead of looking at ALL the signs. If you have a strong feeling that the person you are dating isn’t treating you with dignity and respect, then listen to the internal voice that is telling you what to do next. It’s not difficult to hear the voice, when you turn up the volume!