Category: Relationships and Intimacy

Have you ever found yourself in an argument that feels… familiar?

Not just similar—but almost identical to ones you’ve had before.

The same topic.
The same frustration.
The same ending.

You say your piece. They respond defensively. You feel unheard. They feel criticised. Voices might raise, or one of you shuts down completely. And afterwards, there’s distance. Maybe silence. Maybe a quick “we’re fine” without anything actually changing.

Then, days or weeks later—it happens again.

Different moment. Same pattern.

This is one of the most common dynamics I see in relationships. And it’s rarely about the surface issue.

Because most recurring arguments aren’t really about what they seem.

It might start with something small—messages not being replied to, tone of voice, time spent together—but underneath, there’s usually something deeper driving it.

A need to feel valued.
A need to feel respected.
A need to feel prioritised.

When those needs aren’t being met—or don’t feel like they are—conflict becomes the way they try to get expressed.

But here’s where things often go wrong.

Instead of communicating the need, we communicate the frustration.

“You never listen.”
“You don’t care.”
“You’re always on your phone.”

And while those statements might feel true in the moment, they don’t invite understanding. They trigger defensiveness.

The other person hears blame—not the need underneath it.

So instead of moving closer, you both move further apart.

One person pushes.
The other pulls away.

And the cycle continues.

Over time, this can create a pattern where the argument becomes predictable. You both know how it will go, even before it starts. And eventually, it can feel easier to avoid certain conversations altogether—just to keep the peace.

But avoiding conflict doesn’t resolve it.

It just stores it.

And stored emotions have a way of resurfacing—often more intensely.

So how do you break the cycle?

It starts with shifting your focus from being right… to being understood.

That means slowing the conversation down enough to recognise what you’re actually feeling beneath the frustration. Instead of reacting to the behaviour in front of you, try to connect to the impact it’s having on you.

There’s a difference between saying:
“You never make time for me”

And:
“I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected from you lately, and I really miss spending time together.”

The second creates space for the other person to hear you—without immediately needing to defend themselves.

It also helps to recognise your position within the dynamic.

Are you the one who tends to pursue—raising issues, seeking reassurance, trying to resolve things quickly? Or do you tend to withdraw—needing space, shutting down, or avoiding the conversation altogether?

Neither is wrong. But when these patterns meet, they can intensify each other. The more one person pushes, the more the other pulls away. And the more they pull away, the more the other pushes.

Understanding this dynamic is key to changing it.

Because breaking the cycle doesn’t require both people to change everything at once. It often starts with one person doing something differently.

Pausing instead of reacting.
Listening instead of interrupting.
Expressing a feeling instead of a criticism.

It might feel unfamiliar at first. Even uncomfortable. But it creates a different kind of interaction—one that moves towards connection rather than conflict.

And it’s also important to choose the right moment.

Trying to resolve something in the heat of an argument rarely leads to clarity. When emotions are high, the goal often becomes winning—not understanding. Taking time to regulate yourself before coming back to the conversation can make a significant difference in how it unfolds.

Because healthy conflict isn’t about avoiding disagreement.

It’s about how you navigate it.

Every couple will have differences. Every relationship will experience tension. But the couples who thrive aren’t the ones who never argue—they’re the ones who know how to repair, reconnect, and understand each other within those moments.

So if you find yourselves having the same argument over and over again, take a step back.

Look beyond the words being said.

Ask yourself:
What am I really needing here?
And how can I express that in a way that invites connection, not conflict?

Because often, the argument isn’t the problem.

It’s the pattern.

And patterns—once understood—can be changed.

For something that can feel so natural at the beginning of a relationship, initiating sex can become surprisingly difficult over time.

I hear this often—people telling me they want more intimacy, more connection, more closeness… but when it comes to actually initiating it, they hesitate. They overthink. They hold back.

And eventually, nothing happens.

Not because the desire isn’t there—but because the moment feels loaded.

Initiating sex isn’t just about making a move. It’s about vulnerability. It’s about risking rejection. It’s about putting yourself out there and not knowing how it will be received.

And when that uncertainty is present—especially if there have been past moments of rejection, mismatched desire, or awkwardness—it can start to feel easier to avoid it altogether.

You might tell yourself, “I’ll wait for them to initiate.”
Or, “It’s just not the right time.”
Or even, “Maybe they’re not interested in me like that anymore.”

But often, both partners are thinking something similar.

And this is how couples can end up in a quiet standoff—each wanting connection, but neither quite knowing how to begin.

What makes this even more complex is that many of us were never actually taught how to initiate intimacy in a healthy, confident way. We absorb ideas from films, social media, past experiences—but rarely do we develop a language or style that feels natural and authentic to us.

So it either feels too direct… or too subtle.
Too risky… or too awkward.

And so we do nothing.

But intimacy doesn’t build itself over time. It needs intention.

That doesn’t mean forcing it, or turning it into something pressured or performative. It means creating small, safe ways to move towards each other again.

Because initiation doesn’t have to be a big, dramatic moment.

In fact, it works best when it isn’t.

It can start much earlier than you think—through connection, attention, and presence. A look that lingers a little longer. A moment of closeness that isn’t rushed. A shift in energy that says, “I’m here with you.”

These subtle signals can be powerful, especially when they’re consistent.

For couples who feel a bit out of sync, it can also help to take the pressure off making initiation purely physical. Sometimes starting with emotional or environmental cues feels safer and more natural. That might be creating time together without distractions, changing the atmosphere, or even having a shared understanding of signals that mean, “I’m open to being close.”

What matters is that both people feel safe enough to respond—not judged, not pressured, not rejected for how they show up.

And this is where communication plays a role.

Talking about intimacy outside of the moment can make a significant difference. It allows you to understand each other’s preferences, fears, and needs without the immediacy of action. You might discover that your partner hasn’t been initiating not because they don’t want to—but because they’re unsure how, or worried about getting it wrong.

Removing that guesswork can ease a lot of the tension.

It’s also important to shift how you think about rejection.

If every “not now” feels like a personal rejection, initiating will always feel risky. But in reality, desire fluctuates—for all sorts of reasons. Stress, tiredness, mental load, emotional state. It’s not always a reflection of how your partner feels about you.

Learning to separate those things can make it easier to keep showing up without fear shutting you down.

And finally, remember this:

Initiating sex isn’t about getting it perfect.

It’s about creating opportunities for connection.

Some moments will land. Some won’t. That’s part of being in a real relationship with another human being—not a script, not a performance, but something evolving and responsive.

If it feels awkward at times, that’s okay.
If it takes practice, that’s normal.

What matters is that you don’t let silence or fear take over.

Because intimacy isn’t just about being desired.

It’s about feeling able to reach for each other—and knowing that, more often than not, someone will meet you there.

At some point, many people find themselves asking the same question:

“Why does this keep happening to me?”

Different person… same outcome.
Different beginning… same ending.

You meet someone, feel a connection, start to invest—and then, slowly or suddenly, it unravels. Maybe they pull away. Maybe they can’t meet you emotionally. Maybe you find yourself giving more than you’re receiving… again.

It can start to feel like bad luck.

But more often than not, it’s a pattern.

And patterns don’t form by accident.

They’re shaped by what feels familiar to us—emotionally, psychologically, and even unconsciously. The people we’re drawn to, the dynamics we stay in, and the roles we take on in relationships are often influenced by earlier experiences, even if we’re not fully aware of it.

This is why you can know something isn’t right… and still feel pulled towards it.

For example, if you’re used to working for connection—proving your worth, earning love, chasing reassurance—you may find yourself drawn to people who are inconsistent or emotionally unavailable. Not because it’s what you want, but because it’s what your system recognises.

Familiar doesn’t always mean healthy.
It means known.

And the mind often chooses what is familiar over what is actually good for us.

This is where the cycle begins.

You meet someone who feels exciting, but slightly out of reach. You invest, hoping it will deepen. When it doesn’t, you try harder. And in doing so, you reinforce the very dynamic that’s leaving you unfulfilled.

Over time, this can affect how you see yourself. You might start questioning your judgment, your worth, even your ability to choose the right partner.

But the issue isn’t that you’re “choosing wrong.”

It’s that something in you is still responding to what feels emotionally familiar—even if it’s not meeting your needs.

So how do you begin to break that pattern?

It starts with awareness.

Not just of the other person—but of yourself within the dynamic.

Notice who you feel drawn to. Not just on the surface, but emotionally. Are you attracted to people who are fully available and consistent? Or those who are slightly unpredictable, where you have to work for their attention?

Pay attention to how you feel early on. Not just excitement, but your nervous system. Do you feel calm and grounded? Or slightly anxious, unsure, trying to read between the lines?

Chemistry is often misunderstood. Sometimes what feels like a strong spark is actually emotional activation—uncertainty, inconsistency, unpredictability. And while that can feel intense, it doesn’t always lead to something stable or fulfilling.

Slowing down can be one of the most powerful shifts.

When you take your time getting to know someone, rather than rushing into emotional investment, you give yourself space to see them more clearly. You’re less likely to project potential onto them, and more able to assess whether they are actually aligned with what you need.

It’s also important to shift from being chosen… to choosing.

Many people focus on whether the other person likes them, wants them, or is interested. But a healthier dynamic comes from asking:

Do I feel good with this person?
Are they showing up in a way that meets my needs?
Is this relationship adding to my life, or taking from it?

This rebalances the power.

Because you are not just there to be accepted—you are there to assess.

And finally, there’s something deeper to consider.

Sometimes, breaking patterns requires you to tolerate something unfamiliar: consistency, calm, and emotional availability.

At first, this can feel… different. Even a little uncomfortable. Without the highs and lows, it might not feel as intense. But over time, this is what creates safety, trust, and real connection.

Not chaos. Not confusion. Not chasing.

But stability.

You are not stuck in these patterns.

They can be understood, challenged, and changed.

But it requires honesty—with yourself, your choices, and the dynamics you continue to step into.

Because the moment you start choosing differently…
is the moment your relationships begin to change.

At the beginning of a relationship, sex often feels effortless. There’s anticipation, curiosity, a natural pull towards each other. You don’t have to think about it—it just happens.

Fast forward a few years, and for many couples, something shifts.

Sex becomes less frequent. Desire feels lower. One or both partners might start to wonder, What’s happened to us? And underneath that question, there can be worry, frustration, even quiet rejection.

This is one of the most common concerns I see in my work—but it’s also one of the most misunderstood.

Because when sex starts to diminish, people often assume something is wrong with the relationship… or with each other.

But more often than not, what’s happening is far more human than that.

Desire doesn’t thrive in the same conditions long-term that it does at the beginning. Early on, everything is new. Novelty, uncertainty, and anticipation all fuel attraction. There’s a natural dopamine-driven excitement that makes connection feel electric.

Over time, life settles. You become familiar with each other. Responsibilities grow—work, children, stress, routine. And without realising it, your relationship can shift from being a space of curiosity and play… to one of logistics and management.

You start talking more about what needs to be done than how you feel. Connection becomes functional rather than emotional. And sex, which is deeply tied to emotional closeness for many people, begins to fade in the background.

For some couples, this creates a painful dynamic. One partner may still want sex and feel rejected. The other may feel pressure, guilt, or simply disconnected from desire altogether. And the more this dynamic continues, the harder it can feel to bridge the gap.

What’s important to understand is this: long-term desire doesn’t just “happen” the way it once did. It needs to be created.

That doesn’t mean forcing it, scheduling intimacy in a rigid way, or pretending everything is fine. It means becoming intentional about connection again.

Because sex rarely exists in isolation—it reflects the wider emotional dynamic of the relationship.

If you’re feeling distant, unheard, or disconnected during the day, it’s unlikely that desire will suddenly appear at night. Emotional intimacy often lays the foundation for physical intimacy.

So where do you begin?

Start by looking beyond sex itself. How are you connecting day to day? Are there moments of warmth, playfulness, affection? Do you feel like a team, or like two people managing life side by side?

Rebuilding that emotional connection can often be the first step towards rebuilding desire.

It’s also important to shift how you think about initiation. When sex has been infrequent, it can feel awkward to suddenly try and restart it. Many people wait to “feel in the mood” before making a move—but in long-term relationships, desire doesn’t always come first. Sometimes it follows.

This means creating small, low-pressure moments of closeness—lingering eye contact, touch, shared laughter—without the immediate expectation of sex. These moments help rebuild safety and connection, which desire can then grow from.

And if there has been hurt, rejection, or misunderstanding around sex, that needs space too. Avoiding the conversation can keep the distance in place. Talking about it—gently, without blame—can begin to rebuild understanding.

Because this isn’t just about frequency.

It’s about feeling wanted, chosen, and connected.

Sex in long-term relationships doesn’t disappear because the love is gone. It often fades because life takes over, communication shifts, and connection gets lost along the way.

But it can be rebuilt.

Not by trying to recreate the beginning—but by creating something new. Something more intentional, more connected, and more grounded in who you both are now.

Because lasting intimacy isn’t about keeping the spark exactly as it was.

It’s about learning how to reignite it—together..

There was a time when dating apps felt exciting. Endless options, instant connection, the possibility that the next swipe could change everything.

Now? For many people, they feel exhausting.

I hear it all the time – clients telling me they’re burnt out, disillusioned, or questioning whether dating apps actually work anymore.

Conversations fizzle. Matches don’t go anywhere. People disappear without explanation. And what once felt full of possibility can start to feel like a cycle of disappointment. So, are dating apps dead?

Not quite. But the way we’re using them (and expecting them to work) might be.

Dating apps haven’t stopped connecting people. Relationships are still starting there every day. But what has shifted is our emotional experience of them. Many people are showing up guarded, distracted, or overwhelmed by choice. When you’re speaking to multiple people at once, it’s easy for connection to become transactional rather than meaningful. People become profiles, not people. And with that, effort drops.

Add to that the rise of ghosting, breadcrumbing, and low-effort communication, and it’s no surprise so many are stepping back and asking: Is this even worth it?

The issue isn’t just the apps – it’s the culture we’ve built around them.

We’ve become quicker to dismiss, slower to invest, and more focused on the next option than the person in front of us. And when that mindset takes over, even the most promising connection can struggle to grow.

So if apps aren’t completely the problem, what actually works?

Firstly, intention matters more than the platform. If you’re using dating apps passively; scrolling when bored, replying inconsistently, or unsure what you’re even looking for – you’re likely to get inconsistent results. But when you’re clear about your intentions and show up with presence, the experience shifts. It becomes less about endless swiping and more about selective, meaningful engagement.

Secondly, depth over volume. You don’t need ten conversations, you need one that actually goes somewhere. Slowing down, asking better questions, and allowing space for genuine curiosity can change the dynamic entirely. But perhaps the biggest shift is this: don’t rely solely on apps. Some of the most fulfilling connections still happen in real life, through shared spaces, mutual interests, or simply being open to conversation. Whether that’s events, classes,social settings, or even everyday moments, meeting people offline allows for something apps often struggle to create: energy, presence, and immediate connection.

And this is where many people get stuck. We’ve become so used to dating behind a screen that approaching someone in real life can feel unfamiliar, even intimidating. But connection was never meant to live solely on an app. It thrives in eye contact, body language, shared laughter – things no algorithm can replicate. So no, dating apps aren’t dead. But they’re no longer enough on their own.

The most effective way to meet someone now is a combination of both – being intentional online, while also being open and available in your real, everyday life. Because ultimately, it’s not about where you meet someone. It’s about how you show up when you do.

There’s a particular kind of loneliness that comes from being in a relationship where, on the surface, everything looks fine, but underneath, something feels missing. You’re not constantly arguing. You’re not being treated badly. In fact, your partner might show up in practical ways, say they love you, and be physically present. And yet, emotionally, there’s a distance you can’t quite close.

You reach for them, and they don’t fully meet you there. Conversations stay on the surface. When you try to go deeper, something shifts – maybe they change the subject, shut down, or become uncomfortable. Over time, you start to feel like you’re the only one holding the emotional weight of the relationship.

This is what it often feels like to be with a partner who is emotionally unavailable.

What makes this dynamic so difficult is that it’s not always obvious. Emotional unavailability isn’t always loud or dramatic – it can be quiet, subtle, and confusing. Your partner might genuinely believe they are doing their best. They may not even realise that something is missing. But for you, the absence of emotional connection can feel deeply unsettling. You might begin to question yourself, wondering if you’re asking for too much, or if your needs are somehow unreasonable.

They’re not.

Relationships don’t thrive on logistics or routine alone – they thrive on emotional connection. Without it, something begins to erode. You may find yourself trying harder, asking more questions, sharing more of yourself in the hope that they will meet you there. Or you may begin to withdraw, protecting yourself from the disappointment of not being fully seen or understood. Either way, a gap forms. And if it isn’t addressed, that gap can quietly widen into what I often call the “silent drift” – where two people are together, but no longer truly connected.

Understanding why this happens can help, but it doesn’t mean you have to accept it. Emotional unavailability is often rooted in experience. Some people grew up in environments where emotions weren’t welcomed, understood, or safe to express. Others have learned to cope by disconnecting from their feelings, focusing instead on doing, fixing, or avoiding. For some, vulnerability feels risky – something to be guarded against rather than leaned into. So what can look like disinterest or distance is often a lack of emotional language, awareness, or safety.

But understanding the “why” doesn’t remove the impact.

Because being in a relationship where your emotional needs aren’t met can leave you feeling alone in ways that are hard to explain. It’s not just about what is happening – it’s about what isn’t happening. The conversations that never go deeper. The feelings that aren’t acknowledged. The connection that never quite lands.

So what can you do if you find yourself in this position?

One of the first things I often say is this: notice whether you’ve started over-functioning emotionally. It’s very common, when a partner isn’t showing up in this way, to try and compensate. You might find yourself doing more of the emotional work – initiating conversations, explaining feelings, trying to guide them into connection. But relationships aren’t meant to be carried by one person. When you take on that role, it can create an imbalance where you become responsible for the emotional health of the relationship, and your partner remains passive within it.

Stepping back slightly, not withdrawing, but rebalancing, can be an important shift.

At the same time, it’s important to get clear on what you actually need. Often, people say they want “more effort” or “more openness,” but those things can be vague. Emotional needs need language. You might need more presence during difficult conversations, or a regular space to check in with each other, or reassurance when you’re feeling vulnerable. The clearer you are with yourself, the easier it becomes to communicate that to your partner.

And how you communicate it matters.

If someone already struggles with emotional expression, criticism or blame will often push them further away. That doesn’t mean you can’t be honest – it means being intentional. Speaking from your experience, rather than attacking theirs, creates a different kind of conversation. It opens the door, rather than closing it.

But alongside communication, there needs to be observation.

It’s not enough for someone to say they’ll try or that they understand. What matters is whether anything shifts in their behaviour. Change doesn’t have to be perfect, but it does need to be present. Are they making an effort to stay in conversations a little longer? Are they showing curiosity about your emotional world? Are they trying, even if it feels unfamiliar to them?

If there is no movement at all, then a deeper question needs to be asked – not about them, but about you.

Can this relationship, as it is right now, meet your emotional needs?

This is often the hardest part, because love can keep you hopeful. Potential can keep you invested. You might see who they could be, or remember how things felt at the beginning, and hold onto that. But relationships are built on who someone is in the present, not who they might become in the future.

You cannot force emotional availability. You cannot do the work for someone else. And you cannot sustain a relationship where your needs are consistently unmet without it costing you something – your energy, your self-worth, your sense of connection.

There’s no easy answer here. Sometimes, with awareness and willingness, people can learn to become more emotionally available. They can develop the language, the tools, and the confidence to connect more deeply. And sometimes, despite understanding and effort, the gap remains.

What matters is that you don’t lose yourself in the process of trying to be met.

Wanting emotional connection isn’t asking for too much. It’s one of the most fundamental parts of being in a relationship. You deserve to feel seen, heard, and understood – not occasionally, not conditionally, but consistently enough that you feel secure within the connection you’re in.

Because real intimacy isn’t just about being together. It’s about being known – and knowing that the person you’re with is willing to meet you there.

The Role of an Intimacy Coach.

In a world that often shies away from discussing intimate matters openly, the role of an Intimacy Coach has emerged as a beacon of support for individuals and couples seeking personal growth and connection. An Intimacy Coach is not just a guide through the realms of physical intimacy; rather, they serve as mentors in fostering deeper connections, building self-confidence, and navigating the complexities of relationships.

1.    We Go Far Beyond the Bedroom (Some join you in the bedroom, others don’t) :

An Intimacy Coach usually extends their expertise far beyond the confines of the bedroom. They delve into the emotional and psychological aspects of intimacy, helping individuals understand and communicate their desires and boundaries effectively. As a qualified Psychosexual Therapist my work with you remains outside of the bedroom.

2.    Communication and Connection:

Effective communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. An Intimacy Coach acts as a facilitator, encouraging open dialogue and aiding couples or individuals to express their needs without fear of judgment. An Intimacy Coach will help you to to find the answers to deep, intimate questions that will allow you to connect with the very core of your being.

3.    Building Confidence:

Self-esteem and body confidence are pivotal for a fulfilling intimate life. Intimacy Coaches work with individuals to build a positive self-image, fostering confidence that transcends into all aspects of life.

What else do we do…?

1.    Provide a Personalised Approach:

Intimacy Coaches understand that each person’s journey is unique. They provide tailored guidance, addressing specific concerns and goals, whether it be overcoming past traumas, improving communication skills, or exploring new dimensions of pleasure.

2.    Creating Safe Spaces:

Building a safe and non-judgmental environment is crucial. Intimacy Coaches create spaces where individuals can explore and express themselves authentically, fostering a sense of trust and openness. With practice an individual (or couples) will learn how to create safe spaces to explore their true, authentic selves.

3.    Empowerment and Self-Discovery:

The journey with an Intimacy Coach often leads to self-discovery. Individuals learn to embrace their desires, understand their bodies, and cultivate a sense of empowerment that extends beyond the intimate sphere.

Breaking Stigmas:

In a society where discussions about intimacy can be laden with taboos, Intimacy Coaches play a vital role in breaking down stigmas. By normalising conversations about desires, boundaries, consent, pleasure and emotional wellbeing, they contribute to a healthier, more informed approach to intimacy.

Conclusion:

An Intimacy Coach is not just a guide for moments of vulnerability; they are catalysts for personal growth and enriched connections. By addressing the holistic nature of intimacy, Intimacy Coaches empower individuals to embark on a journey of self-discovery, improved communication, and a deeper understanding of what it means to connect intimately with oneself and others.

For more information on intimacy, head to www.instagram.com/charlenedouglasofficial.

The million dollar question! I became a Sex Therapist for a number of different reasons.

The reason that some people may think that I became a Sex Therapist was because ‘I must really love sex and love talking about it!’ – I’ll leave you to come to your own conclusion about that one!J

What I will say though, is that there were 3 main reasons – that I’d be willing to share why I chose this career path!

In no particular order… I noticed that some of my own, previous therapists appeared uncomfortable at the mere mention of the word ‘sex’. This reaction didn’t motivate me to say much more on the topic. In fact, it made me feel awkward and unsure where I could turn to have my questions answered. I would notice how carefully my therapist would move the conversation in a different direction, which left me feeling a mixture of frustration, and curiosity about the world of sex.

I grew up in the eighties where very few healthy conversations were had between adults and children about sex. Sex education in school simply involved boys and girls separated in two different rooms. The girls would watch a video on childbirth, periods and the mechanics of reproduction, and the boys…well I never quite found out what they watched because when the boys and girls came together, it seemed as though this was ‘top secret’! I can only imagine that the boys watched a video on puberty and the mechanics of penis in vagina sex for the purpose of reproduction only.

I don’t think many parents in the eighties were particularly equipped to have the conversation about sex. In fact I’m not sure how many are now either! Some children were informed about puberty, but not about sex. I probably wouldn’t have felt particularly comfortable as a teenager asking my parents about sex. I’m not sure who would have felt more uncomfortable me or them! And so the quest to have questions answered came in the form of reading magazines such as ‘Just 17’ (when I was 13 – always been a bit of a rebel!) and when I wanted a little bit more clarity, I moved onto ‘More’ magazine, which described sexual dilemmas for older teenagers. Other than that, I collated information as I went along from school friends, adult friends and past relationships – very ‘reliable’ sources indeed! J

In fact what I realised was that so many people really didn’t have a clue about sex, and were doing what they thought was the right thing to do. From my experience men had watched enough porn to last them a lifetime, and they had ‘perfected’ their skills by imitating what they had seen online. I hear a lot of women talking about how much they dislike when their boyfriend/husband push their heads down when they are performing oral sex on them, or wanting to ‘cum’ on their face/breasts etc…or they enjoy hearing their girlfriend /wife gag as they receive oral sex etc! Usually this comes from watching porn which more often than not, does not show sexual acts that women derive much pleasure from.

So back to the question Charlene. Why did you become a Sex Therapist? – well, because I wanted to know the facts and I wanted to help other people to know the facts about sex too, so that they could make an informed decision about what they wanted (or didn’t want) in the bedroom. I was fascinated to find out the truth about sex, our bodies, our desires etc – Finally I found the answers to why so many women struggle to orgasm, and why so many men ‘always’ want sex!

Another reason for my choice of career, was that I saw no other black, female Sex Therapist around my age practising in the UK. Based on my experiences of training to become a Therapist, I could write a whole dissertation on why this might be, but for the purpose of this blog, I would say that it is important for me that people can access a therapist who they feel comfortable with, and who can understand their culture, race, age, sexuality etc – free from judgement or discrimination.

And finally, perhaps more of a personal reason, I noticed that my experience of sex didn’t quite match up to what I had learnt along the way. My body was responding differently from the way it was ‘supposed to respond’ to sexual stimuli. There were way too many ‘sex facts’, that I now know to be myths, that were causing me great confusion, and it didn’t seem like many people around me knew the answers either…why did men seem to be more excited about sex than women did? Why were so many women struggling to have an orgasm and faking it? Did women really enjoy performing oral sex on their husband/boyfriend? Why were men engaging in foreplay for 4.5 seconds before eagerly penetrating their partner? Why were lesbian women having less problems orgasming during sex? Why was it difficult for women (in particular) to switch off and enjoy sex? I could think of so many more questions… I had questions, and I needed answers! Now I have the answers, I want to share my knowledge with others and help others to have the type of sexual experience that they deserve!

Every day I have a different experience in my field of work and that’s why I love it!  I am always learning something new and exciting. I get so much joy from hearing how my clients have made progress in their sex lives and relationships. I love seeing clients who are able to come to their next session and say to me…I had the best sex with my partner yesterday or I finally get what works for me sexually! There’s a real sense of liberation, no longer bound by the sexual myths projected onto them from partners and society as a whole, but able to decide for themselves what they will and won’t accept in the bedroom…in fact some clients have become so in tune with themselves that the bedroom is where they simply sleep – there are far more exciting places to have sex;)

For some people it can add an extra piece of excitement that they feel they need to joosh up their sex lives. For others it can create feelings of insecurity, degradation and shame.

Let’s look at the various scenarios:

Scenario 1

You’re in a relationship and have spoken openly to your partner about the role that porn will play in your relationship. Perhaps porn ‘rocks the boat’ of Partner A, but not of Partner B. Therefore, the agreement might be that Partner A will watch it when they want to, but Partner B wants no involvement in it, but feels quite happy that their partner derives pleasure from watching it.

Scenario 2

Both partners have decided that watching porn together is a turn on, gives them new ideas and is a lot of fun! It can ramp up sexual desire between a couple, help them to learn new sexual ideas and open up a world of new possibilities.

Scenario 3

Single person watches porn more than they want to. They use porn as a substitute for real, intimate connection with others. They notice ‘needing’ porn to cope when they feel sad, lonely, humiliated, misunderstood…it helps them to feel whole again, yet the feelings of shame and guilt keeps them in a place of isolation and loneliness, and unable to form healthy emotional bonds with others.

Not a healthy position for you – you may feel that seeking professional help might help you.

Scenario 4

A person with little sexual experience watches porn and learns about the ‘basics’ of sex, some new sex positions, their anatomy, what goes where, what comes out of where etc. Maybe it helps them to feel more confident about what they find sexually arousing and what they find a turn off.

Scenario 5

Someone watches porn but due to religious, cultural reasons they carry huge guilt and believe that they are ‘dirty’ for watching it and feel unable to share this part of themselves in a relationship. These feelings of a lack of self-worth are likely to spill into other areas of the relationship, so may need to be addressed.

These are just some of the many ways that porn can impact a relationship. You can decide which scenario you relate to. Maybe your experience is different from the above examples.

Whatever your relationship to porn is, it’s probably safe to say:

• There is less stigma around men watching porn than women

• Women are often performing sexual acts in porn for the gratification of men

• There is still a huge debate about whether the term ‘porn addiction’ actually exists

• Porn shows unrealistic images of human bodies – from men with huge penises to women with upright, fake breasts.

• More people are accessing porn, than we may think – the impact of this is questionable! In 2019 Pornhub’s analytics reported over 42,000,000,000 users of their site.
  

Married men, gay men, players, emotionally unavailable men, men with commitment issues – sound familiar?

Do you find that as a heterosexual woman you seem to be attracted to one or more of the men from this list, even when you make a conscious effort not to? Why is this?

Could it be an unconscious fear of intimacy, vulnerability perhaps? Perhaps protecting yourself from getting hurt. ‘He can’t hurt me, if he isn’t available to be in a relationship with me’.

So, you’re swiping left for hours on end, and every now and again you swipe right. You wonder why you’re ‘wasting’ hours on these dating apps, so decide to deactivate your account…again, and register with a new dating app. Why? Well, because ‘Susie’ at work met her boyfriend on Elite Singles and they’ve been together for 5 years. They’re getting married next year June. If it’s good enough for ‘Susie’, it’s good enough for you, right?

So, you excitedly register on Elite Singles hoping that this experience will be different this time round. ‘Ooooh’ your best friend says. ‘You’re sure to find Mr Right on there!’ A dating site where men have to complete a comprehensive set of questions and pay a substantial amount of money to become a member, must have lots of eligible men ready to date! Right?

I’ll let you answer that one.

So what are you doing wrong?

Some women want a man who can meet their emotional needs, sexual needs and financial needs. A man who will listen to them, give great advice, express his feelings, drive a nice car, be spontaneous – as well as plan events. Gently challenge them, protect them, support them, provide for them, run errands for them and be able to read their mind. He must be taller than them, have broad shoulders and big arms, have a well-paid job, and be educated, emotionally intelligent, confident and witty, sensitive and thoughtful, initiates sex and books lovely dinners…All reasonable?

There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want in a man, but perhaps the time has come to reassess your non-negotiables. What do you NEED in a man? What attributes are essential? Are there attributes that you could work with or that are not hugely important?

Have you ever noticed that the men that your now married friends once drooled over, look nothing like the husband that they have now settled down with? Why is that? Maybe your friends realised years ago, that being with a man who makes them feel special, loved and alive, was more important than a man who was taller than them and booked fancy restaurants.

Now I’m not saying it’s all your fault. I think we can all agree that most dating sites have a healthy number of flaky.com men (and women to be honest!) who enjoy the thrill of seeking, just like searching for your next ‘high’, with no intention of settling down, or progressing any type of relationship. There are though men on these dating sites who may not look like Denzel Washington or Brad Pitt, but would treat you like a princess and make you feel ALIVE!