Category: Relationships and Intimacy

There was a time when dating apps felt exciting. Endless options, instant connection, the possibility that the next swipe could change everything.

Now? For many people, they feel exhausting.

I hear it all the time – clients telling me they’re burnt out, disillusioned, or questioning whether dating apps actually work anymore.

Conversations fizzle. Matches don’t go anywhere. People disappear without explanation. And what once felt full of possibility can start to feel like a cycle of disappointment. So, are dating apps dead?

Not quite. But the way we’re using them (and expecting them to work) might be.

Dating apps haven’t stopped connecting people. Relationships are still starting there every day. But what has shifted is our emotional experience of them. Many people are showing up guarded, distracted, or overwhelmed by choice. When you’re speaking to multiple people at once, it’s easy for connection to become transactional rather than meaningful. People become profiles, not people. And with that, effort drops.

Add to that the rise of ghosting, breadcrumbing, and low-effort communication, and it’s no surprise so many are stepping back and asking: Is this even worth it?

The issue isn’t just the apps – it’s the culture we’ve built around them.

We’ve become quicker to dismiss, slower to invest, and more focused on the next option than the person in front of us. And when that mindset takes over, even the most promising connection can struggle to grow.

So if apps aren’t completely the problem, what actually works?

Firstly, intention matters more than the platform. If you’re using dating apps passively; scrolling when bored, replying inconsistently, or unsure what you’re even looking for – you’re likely to get inconsistent results. But when you’re clear about your intentions and show up with presence, the experience shifts. It becomes less about endless swiping and more about selective, meaningful engagement.

Secondly, depth over volume. You don’t need ten conversations, you need one that actually goes somewhere. Slowing down, asking better questions, and allowing space for genuine curiosity can change the dynamic entirely. But perhaps the biggest shift is this: don’t rely solely on apps. Some of the most fulfilling connections still happen in real life, through shared spaces, mutual interests, or simply being open to conversation. Whether that’s events, classes,social settings, or even everyday moments, meeting people offline allows for something apps often struggle to create: energy, presence, and immediate connection.

And this is where many people get stuck. We’ve become so used to dating behind a screen that approaching someone in real life can feel unfamiliar, even intimidating. But connection was never meant to live solely on an app. It thrives in eye contact, body language, shared laughter – things no algorithm can replicate. So no, dating apps aren’t dead. But they’re no longer enough on their own.

The most effective way to meet someone now is a combination of both – being intentional online, while also being open and available in your real, everyday life. Because ultimately, it’s not about where you meet someone. It’s about how you show up when you do.

There’s a particular kind of loneliness that comes from being in a relationship where, on the surface, everything looks fine, but underneath, something feels missing. You’re not constantly arguing. You’re not being treated badly. In fact, your partner might show up in practical ways, say they love you, and be physically present. And yet, emotionally, there’s a distance you can’t quite close.

You reach for them, and they don’t fully meet you there. Conversations stay on the surface. When you try to go deeper, something shifts – maybe they change the subject, shut down, or become uncomfortable. Over time, you start to feel like you’re the only one holding the emotional weight of the relationship.

This is what it often feels like to be with a partner who is emotionally unavailable.

What makes this dynamic so difficult is that it’s not always obvious. Emotional unavailability isn’t always loud or dramatic – it can be quiet, subtle, and confusing. Your partner might genuinely believe they are doing their best. They may not even realise that something is missing. But for you, the absence of emotional connection can feel deeply unsettling. You might begin to question yourself, wondering if you’re asking for too much, or if your needs are somehow unreasonable.

They’re not.

Relationships don’t thrive on logistics or routine alone – they thrive on emotional connection. Without it, something begins to erode. You may find yourself trying harder, asking more questions, sharing more of yourself in the hope that they will meet you there. Or you may begin to withdraw, protecting yourself from the disappointment of not being fully seen or understood. Either way, a gap forms. And if it isn’t addressed, that gap can quietly widen into what I often call the “silent drift” – where two people are together, but no longer truly connected.

Understanding why this happens can help, but it doesn’t mean you have to accept it. Emotional unavailability is often rooted in experience. Some people grew up in environments where emotions weren’t welcomed, understood, or safe to express. Others have learned to cope by disconnecting from their feelings, focusing instead on doing, fixing, or avoiding. For some, vulnerability feels risky – something to be guarded against rather than leaned into. So what can look like disinterest or distance is often a lack of emotional language, awareness, or safety.

But understanding the “why” doesn’t remove the impact.

Because being in a relationship where your emotional needs aren’t met can leave you feeling alone in ways that are hard to explain. It’s not just about what is happening – it’s about what isn’t happening. The conversations that never go deeper. The feelings that aren’t acknowledged. The connection that never quite lands.

So what can you do if you find yourself in this position?

One of the first things I often say is this: notice whether you’ve started over-functioning emotionally. It’s very common, when a partner isn’t showing up in this way, to try and compensate. You might find yourself doing more of the emotional work – initiating conversations, explaining feelings, trying to guide them into connection. But relationships aren’t meant to be carried by one person. When you take on that role, it can create an imbalance where you become responsible for the emotional health of the relationship, and your partner remains passive within it.

Stepping back slightly, not withdrawing, but rebalancing, can be an important shift.

At the same time, it’s important to get clear on what you actually need. Often, people say they want “more effort” or “more openness,” but those things can be vague. Emotional needs need language. You might need more presence during difficult conversations, or a regular space to check in with each other, or reassurance when you’re feeling vulnerable. The clearer you are with yourself, the easier it becomes to communicate that to your partner.

And how you communicate it matters.

If someone already struggles with emotional expression, criticism or blame will often push them further away. That doesn’t mean you can’t be honest – it means being intentional. Speaking from your experience, rather than attacking theirs, creates a different kind of conversation. It opens the door, rather than closing it.

But alongside communication, there needs to be observation.

It’s not enough for someone to say they’ll try or that they understand. What matters is whether anything shifts in their behaviour. Change doesn’t have to be perfect, but it does need to be present. Are they making an effort to stay in conversations a little longer? Are they showing curiosity about your emotional world? Are they trying, even if it feels unfamiliar to them?

If there is no movement at all, then a deeper question needs to be asked – not about them, but about you.

Can this relationship, as it is right now, meet your emotional needs?

This is often the hardest part, because love can keep you hopeful. Potential can keep you invested. You might see who they could be, or remember how things felt at the beginning, and hold onto that. But relationships are built on who someone is in the present, not who they might become in the future.

You cannot force emotional availability. You cannot do the work for someone else. And you cannot sustain a relationship where your needs are consistently unmet without it costing you something – your energy, your self-worth, your sense of connection.

There’s no easy answer here. Sometimes, with awareness and willingness, people can learn to become more emotionally available. They can develop the language, the tools, and the confidence to connect more deeply. And sometimes, despite understanding and effort, the gap remains.

What matters is that you don’t lose yourself in the process of trying to be met.

Wanting emotional connection isn’t asking for too much. It’s one of the most fundamental parts of being in a relationship. You deserve to feel seen, heard, and understood – not occasionally, not conditionally, but consistently enough that you feel secure within the connection you’re in.

Because real intimacy isn’t just about being together. It’s about being known – and knowing that the person you’re with is willing to meet you there.

The Role of an Intimacy Coach.

In a world that often shies away from discussing intimate matters openly, the role of an Intimacy Coach has emerged as a beacon of support for individuals and couples seeking personal growth and connection. An Intimacy Coach is not just a guide through the realms of physical intimacy; rather, they serve as mentors in fostering deeper connections, building self-confidence, and navigating the complexities of relationships.

1.    We Go Far Beyond the Bedroom (Some join you in the bedroom, others don’t) :

An Intimacy Coach usually extends their expertise far beyond the confines of the bedroom. They delve into the emotional and psychological aspects of intimacy, helping individuals understand and communicate their desires and boundaries effectively. As a qualified Psychosexual Therapist my work with you remains outside of the bedroom.

2.    Communication and Connection:

Effective communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. An Intimacy Coach acts as a facilitator, encouraging open dialogue and aiding couples or individuals to express their needs without fear of judgment. An Intimacy Coach will help you to to find the answers to deep, intimate questions that will allow you to connect with the very core of your being.

3.    Building Confidence:

Self-esteem and body confidence are pivotal for a fulfilling intimate life. Intimacy Coaches work with individuals to build a positive self-image, fostering confidence that transcends into all aspects of life.

What else do we do…?

1.    Provide a Personalised Approach:

Intimacy Coaches understand that each person’s journey is unique. They provide tailored guidance, addressing specific concerns and goals, whether it be overcoming past traumas, improving communication skills, or exploring new dimensions of pleasure.

2.    Creating Safe Spaces:

Building a safe and non-judgmental environment is crucial. Intimacy Coaches create spaces where individuals can explore and express themselves authentically, fostering a sense of trust and openness. With practice an individual (or couples) will learn how to create safe spaces to explore their true, authentic selves.

3.    Empowerment and Self-Discovery:

The journey with an Intimacy Coach often leads to self-discovery. Individuals learn to embrace their desires, understand their bodies, and cultivate a sense of empowerment that extends beyond the intimate sphere.

Breaking Stigmas:

In a society where discussions about intimacy can be laden with taboos, Intimacy Coaches play a vital role in breaking down stigmas. By normalising conversations about desires, boundaries, consent, pleasure and emotional wellbeing, they contribute to a healthier, more informed approach to intimacy.

Conclusion:

An Intimacy Coach is not just a guide for moments of vulnerability; they are catalysts for personal growth and enriched connections. By addressing the holistic nature of intimacy, Intimacy Coaches empower individuals to embark on a journey of self-discovery, improved communication, and a deeper understanding of what it means to connect intimately with oneself and others.

For more information on intimacy, head to www.instagram.com/charlenedouglasofficial.

The million dollar question! I became a Sex Therapist for a number of different reasons.

The reason that some people may think that I became a Sex Therapist was because ‘I must really love sex and love talking about it!’ – I’ll leave you to come to your own conclusion about that one!J

What I will say though, is that there were 3 main reasons – that I’d be willing to share why I chose this career path!

In no particular order… I noticed that some of my own, previous therapists appeared uncomfortable at the mere mention of the word ‘sex’. This reaction didn’t motivate me to say much more on the topic. In fact, it made me feel awkward and unsure where I could turn to have my questions answered. I would notice how carefully my therapist would move the conversation in a different direction, which left me feeling a mixture of frustration, and curiosity about the world of sex.

I grew up in the eighties where very few healthy conversations were had between adults and children about sex. Sex education in school simply involved boys and girls separated in two different rooms. The girls would watch a video on childbirth, periods and the mechanics of reproduction, and the boys…well I never quite found out what they watched because when the boys and girls came together, it seemed as though this was ‘top secret’! I can only imagine that the boys watched a video on puberty and the mechanics of penis in vagina sex for the purpose of reproduction only.

I don’t think many parents in the eighties were particularly equipped to have the conversation about sex. In fact I’m not sure how many are now either! Some children were informed about puberty, but not about sex. I probably wouldn’t have felt particularly comfortable as a teenager asking my parents about sex. I’m not sure who would have felt more uncomfortable me or them! And so the quest to have questions answered came in the form of reading magazines such as ‘Just 17’ (when I was 13 – always been a bit of a rebel!) and when I wanted a little bit more clarity, I moved onto ‘More’ magazine, which described sexual dilemmas for older teenagers. Other than that, I collated information as I went along from school friends, adult friends and past relationships – very ‘reliable’ sources indeed! J

In fact what I realised was that so many people really didn’t have a clue about sex, and were doing what they thought was the right thing to do. From my experience men had watched enough porn to last them a lifetime, and they had ‘perfected’ their skills by imitating what they had seen online. I hear a lot of women talking about how much they dislike when their boyfriend/husband push their heads down when they are performing oral sex on them, or wanting to ‘cum’ on their face/breasts etc…or they enjoy hearing their girlfriend /wife gag as they receive oral sex etc! Usually this comes from watching porn which more often than not, does not show sexual acts that women derive much pleasure from.

So back to the question Charlene. Why did you become a Sex Therapist? – well, because I wanted to know the facts and I wanted to help other people to know the facts about sex too, so that they could make an informed decision about what they wanted (or didn’t want) in the bedroom. I was fascinated to find out the truth about sex, our bodies, our desires etc – Finally I found the answers to why so many women struggle to orgasm, and why so many men ‘always’ want sex!

Another reason for my choice of career, was that I saw no other black, female Sex Therapist around my age practising in the UK. Based on my experiences of training to become a Therapist, I could write a whole dissertation on why this might be, but for the purpose of this blog, I would say that it is important for me that people can access a therapist who they feel comfortable with, and who can understand their culture, race, age, sexuality etc – free from judgement or discrimination.

And finally, perhaps more of a personal reason, I noticed that my experience of sex didn’t quite match up to what I had learnt along the way. My body was responding differently from the way it was ‘supposed to respond’ to sexual stimuli. There were way too many ‘sex facts’, that I now know to be myths, that were causing me great confusion, and it didn’t seem like many people around me knew the answers either…why did men seem to be more excited about sex than women did? Why were so many women struggling to have an orgasm and faking it? Did women really enjoy performing oral sex on their husband/boyfriend? Why were men engaging in foreplay for 4.5 seconds before eagerly penetrating their partner? Why were lesbian women having less problems orgasming during sex? Why was it difficult for women (in particular) to switch off and enjoy sex? I could think of so many more questions… I had questions, and I needed answers! Now I have the answers, I want to share my knowledge with others and help others to have the type of sexual experience that they deserve!

Every day I have a different experience in my field of work and that’s why I love it!  I am always learning something new and exciting. I get so much joy from hearing how my clients have made progress in their sex lives and relationships. I love seeing clients who are able to come to their next session and say to me…I had the best sex with my partner yesterday or I finally get what works for me sexually! There’s a real sense of liberation, no longer bound by the sexual myths projected onto them from partners and society as a whole, but able to decide for themselves what they will and won’t accept in the bedroom…in fact some clients have become so in tune with themselves that the bedroom is where they simply sleep – there are far more exciting places to have sex;)

For some people it can add an extra piece of excitement that they feel they need to joosh up their sex lives. For others it can create feelings of insecurity, degradation and shame.

Let’s look at the various scenarios:

Scenario 1

You’re in a relationship and have spoken openly to your partner about the role that porn will play in your relationship. Perhaps porn ‘rocks the boat’ of Partner A, but not of Partner B. Therefore, the agreement might be that Partner A will watch it when they want to, but Partner B wants no involvement in it, but feels quite happy that their partner derives pleasure from watching it.

Scenario 2

Both partners have decided that watching porn together is a turn on, gives them new ideas and is a lot of fun! It can ramp up sexual desire between a couple, help them to learn new sexual ideas and open up a world of new possibilities.

Scenario 3

Single person watches porn more than they want to. They use porn as a substitute for real, intimate connection with others. They notice ‘needing’ porn to cope when they feel sad, lonely, humiliated, misunderstood…it helps them to feel whole again, yet the feelings of shame and guilt keeps them in a place of isolation and loneliness, and unable to form healthy emotional bonds with others.

Not a healthy position for you – you may feel that seeking professional help might help you.

Scenario 4

A person with little sexual experience watches porn and learns about the ‘basics’ of sex, some new sex positions, their anatomy, what goes where, what comes out of where etc. Maybe it helps them to feel more confident about what they find sexually arousing and what they find a turn off.

Scenario 5

Someone watches porn but due to religious, cultural reasons they carry huge guilt and believe that they are ‘dirty’ for watching it and feel unable to share this part of themselves in a relationship. These feelings of a lack of self-worth are likely to spill into other areas of the relationship, so may need to be addressed.

These are just some of the many ways that porn can impact a relationship. You can decide which scenario you relate to. Maybe your experience is different from the above examples.

Whatever your relationship to porn is, it’s probably safe to say:

• There is less stigma around men watching porn than women

• Women are often performing sexual acts in porn for the gratification of men

• There is still a huge debate about whether the term ‘porn addiction’ actually exists

• Porn shows unrealistic images of human bodies – from men with huge penises to women with upright, fake breasts.

• More people are accessing porn, than we may think – the impact of this is questionable! In 2019 Pornhub’s analytics reported over 42,000,000,000 users of their site.
  

Married men, gay men, players, emotionally unavailable men, men with commitment issues – sound familiar?

Do you find that as a heterosexual woman you seem to be attracted to one or more of the men from this list, even when you make a conscious effort not to? Why is this?

Could it be an unconscious fear of intimacy, vulnerability perhaps? Perhaps protecting yourself from getting hurt. ‘He can’t hurt me, if he isn’t available to be in a relationship with me’.

So, you’re swiping left for hours on end, and every now and again you swipe right. You wonder why you’re ‘wasting’ hours on these dating apps, so decide to deactivate your account…again, and register with a new dating app. Why? Well, because ‘Susie’ at work met her boyfriend on Elite Singles and they’ve been together for 5 years. They’re getting married next year June. If it’s good enough for ‘Susie’, it’s good enough for you, right?

So, you excitedly register on Elite Singles hoping that this experience will be different this time round. ‘Ooooh’ your best friend says. ‘You’re sure to find Mr Right on there!’ A dating site where men have to complete a comprehensive set of questions and pay a substantial amount of money to become a member, must have lots of eligible men ready to date! Right?

I’ll let you answer that one.

So what are you doing wrong?

Some women want a man who can meet their emotional needs, sexual needs and financial needs. A man who will listen to them, give great advice, express his feelings, drive a nice car, be spontaneous – as well as plan events. Gently challenge them, protect them, support them, provide for them, run errands for them and be able to read their mind. He must be taller than them, have broad shoulders and big arms, have a well-paid job, and be educated, emotionally intelligent, confident and witty, sensitive and thoughtful, initiates sex and books lovely dinners…All reasonable?

There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want in a man, but perhaps the time has come to reassess your non-negotiables. What do you NEED in a man? What attributes are essential? Are there attributes that you could work with or that are not hugely important?

Have you ever noticed that the men that your now married friends once drooled over, look nothing like the husband that they have now settled down with? Why is that? Maybe your friends realised years ago, that being with a man who makes them feel special, loved and alive, was more important than a man who was taller than them and booked fancy restaurants.

Now I’m not saying it’s all your fault. I think we can all agree that most dating sites have a healthy number of flaky.com men (and women to be honest!) who enjoy the thrill of seeking, just like searching for your next ‘high’, with no intention of settling down, or progressing any type of relationship. There are though men on these dating sites who may not look like Denzel Washington or Brad Pitt, but would treat you like a princess and make you feel ALIVE!

So, you come home from a long, hard day at work. Your boss has annoyed you and that sale you worked so hard to secure has fallen through. You find yourself daydreaming about going home, taking off your work clothes and relaxing into something more comfortable, watching a good movie, drinking the wine that has been chilling in the fridge for the past few days and switching off.

Your partner though has other plans. The movie that you cuddle up to watch, is interrupted by your partner’s hands massaging your leg. You hope that it goes no further than that, as you want to watch the movie and simply relax. You notice that your partner is becoming more sexually aroused. Sound familiar?

Recent research found that 34% of women and 15% of men reported a lack of interest in sex for at least 3 months.

So, what can be done about mismatched libidos? It isn’t always the men who have the higher sex drive, I hasten to add.

It’s surely inevitable that one partner will want sex more, at a time when the other partner may not be up for it. On occasions the ‘horny’ partner may have to simply look for other agreed ways to satisfy their sexual appetite.

But what if you’re the partner who doesn’t really want or need sex that often. It’s important that together you agree the role that sex will play in your relationship. Could you have ‘lazy sex’ every now and again? This involves either having sex ‘spooning’ where you simply wriggle your bottom around and hold your partner close to you, or could you perform oral sex on them, in order that they can experience sexual pleasure and perhaps have an orgasm.

If you would like to ‘get in the mood’, have a think about what turns you on. Now, I’m not talking about when they touch your genitals or rip off your clothes. I’m talking about when you’re not in a sexy mood, what are the steps that take you to that sexy place? Cooking a meal together, laughing about something that’s happened at work, playing a game like ‘Twister’ together, a Sex Quiz game or perhaps it’s listening and dancing to some of your favourite tunes. If the agreement in your relationship is, that sex will play an important role in your relationship, this will need to be a joint effort.

Does sex have to always be penetrative sex? Could you just enjoy oral sex giving or receiving? Would your partner be okay with this? How about talking to each other about what you do and don’t like about sex. Not such an easy conversation to have, but it may just help to build the sex that meets both of your needs.

Do remember though that some antidepressants, as well as medication for diabetes, heart disease and high cholesterol may impact sexual desire, so don’t forget to check this out with your GP first.

Is there any unresolved anger or resentment that may be getting in the way of you feeling close and wanting to have sex with your partner?

Deep down do you feel that sex is dirty, or are you turned off by your partner’s eagerness for it?

You may have to do some real soul-searching to get to the root cause of this issue in your relationship.

For some just the thought of the word ‘masturbation’ makes their stomach turn. It seems more acceptable when a teenage boy chooses to masturbate, but unheard of that a teenage girl may also have the same desire. So why is there so much shame around this?  – Does religion, culture, society etc, have a part to play? Maybe it has something to do with the way many of us were taught about sex.

I have spoken to many men who say that they often masturbate in the toilet, in secret, without their partner knowing. Sometimes they masturbate to images that they find sexually pleasing, but feel too ashamed to share with their partner. This can have an affect on their relationship, if they are turned on by images on a screen and not able to include their partner in this fantasy.

Have a read of the article I featured in, in the Metro Online about masturbation. What are your thoughts?

Why do people punish themselves for masturbating?

1)   Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Mam or Happily-Ever-After?

Be clear about your intentions online. If you are seeking a casual encounter, say it! There are more than enough people interested in the same thing. Knowing that you only want a casual relationship, whilst saying that you are ‘very much interested in finding a soulmate’ only leads to hurt and disappointment. Think about the feelings of others.

2) Don’t Create Disappointments!

  
Hmmm…now can one picture really show your potential mate what you look like? Maybe there is one picture that you know always attracts the hottest people, but give your potential mate the opportunity to see you at different events, to get a real idea of your personality. A clear picture of your face, as well as a full-sized picture, helps people to decide if you are the type of man they would like to get to know a little bit more. You do yourself no favours, if you display pictures that show you 5 years younger, when you had a six-pack. When you go on a date, you want to feel at peace knowing they know exactly what you look like – and that you are the height and age that you told them 🙂

3)  I’m Sure You Told Me Your Name Was…?

It’s expected that you (and your date) will have been getting to know other people. Do make sure though, that you get your date’s name right. Nothing worse than calling Sally, Rachael or Bob, Steven.

With 1 in 5 relationships in the UK starting online, how can
you make sure that you have the best possible chance of finding love? Well,
take a look at my top tips for women seeking love.

1)  Live Your Best Life!

    
Make sure that you are ‘living your best life’.

How will your potential mate know how you expect to be treated, when you are not treating yourself in this way? 

Create a profile that shows the places you’ve visited, or you taking part in an interesting hobby. A clear picture with a big smile, as well as full length pictures help your potential mate to be sure of what you really look like. Enjoy being in your own company, before inviting someone else to join you. If you don’t enjoy being with you, why would someone else? – make sure your love for yourself and for life comes across in your pictures and profile. Don’t wait for Romeo/Juliet to be zapped directly to your living room – create the life you desire!

2) Be Bold!

    
Send your potential mate a message first. “No Way!” I hear you shriek!  Well, what do you have to lose? Just saying ‘Hi, how you doing? Could really break the ice. That may be enough for them to actively engage in conversation with you. Don’t wait for them to message you first – make yourself visible.  Everyone needs a sign, right?  Just think how excited YOU feel, when you receive a message from a lovely guy/girl.

3) Turn up the volume!

Don’t waste your time. Your time is precious! Your gut instinct is rarely wrong and is often talking to you much louder than you realise. It all depends on just how low you’ve turn the volume on the internal voice that is guiding you. Women can sometimes spend more time convincing themselves that someone is the ‘one’, instead of looking at ALL the signs. If you have a strong feeling that the person you are dating isn’t treating you with dignity and respect, then listen to the internal voice that is telling you what to do next. It’s not difficult to hear the voice, when you turn up the volume!